March 5th

Shattered! 6 hours in Oxford with E have just about done for me today. She can actually drive a car, control the clutch, steer it, brake it, use her mirrors at junctions, emerge safely. So what's wrong? She can just do the most incredibly, fantastically stupid things that you can imagine.
We approach a roundabout. The first time she was all ove the place, so this is a repeat effort. I point out the sign.
"We want to go to Cowley, do you see it on the sign?"
"Yes"
So we arrive at the roundabout.
"Ok we are going to follow the signs for the A4142, so long for the road markings"
"ok"
Now last time she had tried following the markings, but had somehow taken us across three lanes and back again across two, so I decide she needs to orientate herself.
"So which is the road we are taking?" I ask her
"The A 4241"
Ok, not the right number but that'll do.
"Yes, but which road is that...off the roads leading off the roundabout"
"I don't know, I've never been here from this direction"
"But what did the sign say?"
"I don't understand"
"On the sign, where was the A4142?"
"Back there" she says, turning around.
"No, but the sign showed us which direction our road was in"
"I don't understand"
"Ok, look at the roundabout. There are four roads, yes?"
"I think so, I'm not sure"
(Can you count to fucvking four??")
"Well count them then!!"
We'll have to get round th roundabout soon as the lights are changing. She seems to genuinely have no idea of how to translate the diagram on the road sign to the real life roundabout.
"Ok, we need to take the fourth exit"
She counts backwards anti clockwise.
"No, Eileen, which way are we going around the roundabout?"
"Erm. A44221"
Oh my God.
"I'll guide you."
She stalls the car. A forty ton lorry with QE2 surplus foghorns let's us knowwhat he thinks.
She does nothing.
"Start the car Eileen" Sheputs it into first gear.
You haven't started it. What do we need to do?
She gets it and turns the key before I can stop her. We are of course in first gear and we lurch forward. Another blast from the foghorn.
"What happened?"
"You were in gear"
"Oh"
She starts the enging, then tries to put the car in first gear without the irritating business of depressing the clutch first.
"I think it's broken"
I am reminded of Basil Fawlty's line to Mrs Richards
"No, it works................ you don't"
The lorry is now cautiously edging around us as we finally get moving. Needless to say she doen't even glance in the mirrors, and I have to jump on the brakes before she consigns us and the car to compressed flesh and metal.
Eventually, by pointing , and taking over the steering wheel every time we are about to collide with another road vehicle, we make it around te roundabout. A few moments later I pull hr up on the side o the road.
"I think it's going a lot better today, don't you?" she asks, in all sincerity.
Later we are on a quiet estate. A BSM learner is reversing around the corner. A parked car is on the opposite side of the road. The parked car driver opens his door, thus totally blocking the road. We are approaching the blockage.
"What are we going to do here then Eileen?"
"Check our mirrors," she asserts confidently, as she continues to head straight for the impasse
"Very good, and then?"
"I am not sure"
"Do you think we should stop the car?"
"What for?" We still have a few metres to go.
I stop the car.
"Eileen. I have stopped the car because there is a learner driver reversing towards us. On the other side of the road is a parked car with it's door open. There is no room for us to go anywhere. What, seriously was you plan"
And of course there was none. She just seems incapable of recognising any problems until she is three inches away from them. The day continues in a similar vein. Attempts at reversing are astonishing in their ineptitude, and yet at times she drives as if she has been doing so for a lifetime.
We stop and talk. t transpires she has had "about" 96 hours of lessons. She has her test on Friday. All I can do is sincerely hope and pray that the DSA examiners go on strike again next Friday and cancel her test. It realy would be the fairest thing that could happen, at least give us some time for disaster recovery.
Back to Wycombe completely frazzled to meet A, who has driven for just 12 hours. It is so different. He is cool, calm, and so sorted in his head it is untrue.
In the world outside, Hill is back from the dead in the US primaries, though Obama's fans say he's done enough already. They seema little twitchy thoug. Something pretty calculated about that gal. Ped tomorrow. Shall I, shan't I? Not today's decision I feel.